Who wants to watch the watch dog when the watch dog dresses like that?

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I’ve been playing through Watch Dogs of late, mostly as a “something to do” kind of activity when I can’t face doing something that would probably be better for me. Frankly, my absolutely favourite part of the game is when I get into a car, selecting a waypoint I’m meant to go to, and then just drive along the blue line it maps onto the roads. I would quite seriously be into a game that is just that – driving from place to place, skipping any cutscenes, not needing to kill people, just driving where I’m told to drive in a realistic-ish world. So relaxing.

But one thing about Watch Dogs that is not relaxing, not at all relaxing, is the clothing worn by the protagonist. Dear god why is he dressed like that? I’m not a fashion guy by any means (Uniqlo for life), but shit. In the game you are perpetually wearing a gross bulky trenchcoat thing with a big floppy collar, more buckles than necessary, done up only at the chest, then under that an also-bulky zip-up sweater with a the collar up, plus a baseball cap with the logo of the game on it, boring jeans, and work boots. It’s just so blindingly ungainly and so doesn’t merge into the surrounding world in the way you’d think this supposedly stealthy, hacky man ought to. He looks like someone who’s not quite brave enough to go to a Steampunk Fair, perhaps?

I was so repulsed by the guy’s clothes I immediately drove to a clothing store once I had some money to get the hell out of them, but boy was I about to be disappointed. Every outfit you can buy in the game is literally the same outfit in different colour combinations. All of them look, somehow, worse than the original set. So I guess his clothing is meant to be iconic, then (and I guess they didn’t want to remodel the avatar so it could be wearing non-flappy clothes, for instance). So you’re stuck with him looking this way. You’re stuck with being him this way.

I feel bad for all the countless waves of enemies I kill in the game not so much because I’m killing them, but because they have the indignity of being killed by someone who looks like this. I can’t even imagine. Humiliating. Sorry. Sorry.

Alright. I’ll shut up now.

8 February 2017
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